hey hey.. i bet lots of ya wil be surprised that im here bloggin.. cos its been such a long time since i touched this blog, actuali blogged in here..



sori bt personal activities got me too caught up.. dance, events.. over the xmas, my khaki's bday..



i also.. needed another space/ realm to talk abt stuff which i feel uncomfortable saying in my own blog cos i reali dun wanna hurt anyone..neither wld i wanna cause more trouble..


im sorry guys, but u all are my pillars too.. im not just making use of this blog or wad!!! i do need u guys too, even though i may nt be so close to some of u.. n even drifting apart...




aniwaes.. how funny, two days after xmas, its my khaki's bday. i did all tt i can to surprise him, trying very hard to make it a wonderful bday for him.. bt becos of my dance training tt i have to go.. n other ppl havin trainin at diff times, on his bday itself it wasnt tt wonderful.


even though he said tt he's happy and he like the surprises.. but, he totally gave mi the feeling that, he dint even wanna tok to mi.


becos the nite before.. we gave him a surprise in school, and jus nice that my attack came.. den.. my fren's dad drove mi home.. ken.. sent mi home as well, n ended up goin home late.

his family n relatives were waiting for him but becos he came back reali late, they all left before they cld celebrate with him. n tt causes his mum to be damn pissed with him.. n his bday tt mornin he shld be havin a meal with his parents bt becos his mum's pissed.. she refused to celebrate with him..


i mean, tts definitely very upsetting la.. considering, he's so close to his mum, n on his bday his mum even got mad at him.. tts totally sucky..


but i tink its becos of mi.. tt the celebration his family wanted for him was ruin.. and.. yeah, perhaps he reali dint blame mi n dint wan mi to worry, becos i dint noe till someone told mi much later abt his mum tingy. he dint tell mi anythin at all.



den on his bday, before the dance trainin, a few of us went dwn to his place to give him a surprise. i reali.. dare nt go in the first place cos of his mum ( i dint noe abt the nite before's issue yet), well, as some of u noe, his mum doesnt like mi one lor~



den its like.. if i appear to celebrate his bday for him.. his mum may recognise mi n get mad with ken even more cos his mum dint want him to hang out with mi.


but i went ahead la.. i tink im stupid also lor. and i dint realise.. tt the fact i was there wld bother him tt much. again, i found out this only after i had a chat with someone. =(



den i went to sch for dance training, while i compiling the last present ive got for him. its a photo album + dedications/ bday wishes from frens. and after training i wanna meet him saying ive got something for him. met him on the bus, he seemed so.. unhappy. dint wanna tok. its his bday, but yet.. i duno, the whole day i see him, he has nv been happy. even when we went to his house to surprise him.



the book, i took so long to do it.. but yet, i dun feel appreciated AT ALL. all i got is, a thank you n i appreciate it in an SMS. for his bday, i wish him happy bday and initiated a hug, but he dint even want to. tt reali.. breaks my heart.



the present i got for him.. its reali way beyond my means but i reali want something special for him.. yet when he rec it.. he gave mi da feeling.. its just a gift. i duno la.




and guess wad? after his bday on tues.. til today, my dance com.. we dint reali tok. i duno is he dun wana tok to mi or i duno hw to tok to him becos it seems like he dint wanna tok to mi.



but if he had wanted to tok to mi.. he wld.. like as usual, put his hand on my shoulder, or call mi khaki. but no.. the silent treatment, has started all over again.



my fren said he cld be bothered by his mum still.. n tts why he dint noe hw to treat mi or wad.. its fine. if he needs the space to think things tru, im giving it to him. bt is he being fair to mi?


i reali feel so unappreciated.. after doing so much for a person, but this is wad i get. of cos i blame myself partially that its mi who caused him to be unhappy. initially i was TOTALLY upset tt i ruined my khaki's bday. but thinkin it tru, n havin frens analyse it for mi, i dun tink its entirely my fault as well.


but why is he so.. unappreciative? he's my khaki eh.. i dun understand, i reali dun understand why it must occur yet again, n its on his bday somemore. its been ONGOING for so long; this cold war thingy keep comin back. what did we promise each other before? if we got cold war.. can we dun jus ignore each other like tt.. yet its just repeating la..



tt 2 weeks 3 days after i broke up with kai.. tt time at KL NEARLY happened again.. and now.



i really feel so tired le. i tink he's tired le also. i duno la.


furthermore, i reali hate it when.. she's ard n when she's nt ard. she's a dear fren of mine... but yet, with her ard.. his attention, his focus is all on her. even ppl can see the difference in treatment.. and yet... when she's nt ard, he's reali reali good to mi, help mi take my stuff, take time to tok to mi, caring for mi like no one else.





i cant explain why im so affected by him still; im sure that i dun like him anymore but its like, he's stil very important to me. and losing someone important to u, whom u used to have to yrself onli, perhaps tts why its bothering mi so much. i reali do need him in my life.


maybe its just not meant to be bah. i duno. im now learning n keep tryin to tell myself n convince myself that i shldnt be allowing him to manipulate my feelings like tt; he affects my ups n downs TOO MUCH.


i just hate the unfair treatment, i loathe it. i wish i cld tell him, can u pls stop treating mi so good onli when she's not ard?!?!!?!?!




arggh. guys~ (kk, NOT ALL la, okie? hurhur)



do ya noe xmas was the sweetest.. where.. mi n ken had the longest slow dance.. talkin n sharing abt stuff.. talkin abt our past.. it was reali sweet. and him holding mi in his embrace to sleep... we sharing the same sofa, and he even held my hand!!! that xmas party was reali one of the best time ive ever had. n the way he treats me.. part of mi did worry before, is it tt he's treating mi just like a replacement?! i hope not. i reali hope not, but i cant help having this feeling.


i mean, he can be so sweet to mi this moment, and the nxt moment we're so far apart again. tts why i hate it.



i duno wad u guys wil say or feel la.. perhaps if u have any opinions do let mi noe yah..




reali tired now, too much happened just now. need a break. ken.. i duno la. tired.